Thursday, May 17, 2012

Team Mónica #1 -- THUMP


THUMP
YA Contemporary
60,000 words

Query:

Sixteen-year-old Hailey Scott was sure her ex-boyfriend’s cheating shattered her heart. Turns out, it’s not broken—it’s just sick. Diagnosed with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, a life-threatening condition that can result in sudden cardiac arrest, Hailey is sure her heart will never be the same. After handing in her title of cheerleading captain and her brand-new driver’s license, Hailey realizes she must keep her condition a secret if she wants any shot at a normal life.

Refusing to live as the girl with the ticking time bomb in her chest, Hailey sneaks into a club to see Madison Avenue, the hottest new local band. There, she crashes into the band’s drummer, Declan, whose wild but rhythmic beats make her heart thump. Together, Hailey and Declan wreak havoc through the mall, crash the homecoming dance, and search for the perfect snare drum. As she navigates their relationship around her disease and her overprotective mom, the walls of Hailey’s heart grow weaker—forcing her to decide if falling in love one last time is worth the risk.

First page:

I stand in front of the TV, blocking my parents’ view. There’s a commercial break so I have their attention.
“I’m just staying the night at Leah’s.”
“I don’t know…” My mom glances over to my dad. If it were up to her, I’d be strapped to a hospital bed, hooked up to a bunch of bleeping machines. 
If my parents knew where I was actually going tonight, they’d be mad. Really, really mad. Like murder-me-themselves-instead-of-waiting-for-the-inevitable mad. But this ache in my chest, it won’t let up. I just need to get out of here—forget that I have a diseased heart and drown out the pain now—before it kills me. That is, if they’ll let me go.
“All we’re going to do is watch movies. And make popcorn.” I look at my dad with big, pleading eyes. Like good, healthy girls do.
“Hailey,” he says in that way that makes me feel like I’m five. “I don’t think it’s a good idea right now.” My mom nods. I open my mouth to say something, but he holds up a hand. “You should take it easy tonight.”
“I can take it easy at Leah’s house.” I’m talking too fast. I’m going to blow this. “I promise, I won’t overexert myself. I’ll lie around all night. We’ll go to bed early. And I’ll—”
There’s a honk in the driveway, and I flash him one more desperate look. Please, please just let me go. If that doctor is right, I might not have that much time left.

35 comments:

  1. What a fantastic first page. I just want to reach through and say, "yes, yes, you can go!!!" Poor girl :-). Go Team Monica!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love those opening sentences! The pull you right in!!! Go THUMP!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Beautifully written! Love your character!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow, this page pulled me right in. Go Team Monica!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I would SO read this. You sucked me right in. Great job!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. LOVE, obviously. ::Sigh:: What is it about musicians??

    ReplyDelete
  7. I want to cry over this one, and I haven't seen anything past the first page. Great title, great play on the theme, great job!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Love the voice ... and your whole first page. Where's the rest?

    ReplyDelete
  9. So excited you're here too. You've got a great story! Good luck.

    ReplyDelete
  10. You know a book is awesome when I'm slavering for the next page, and I don't even read this genre at all. *makes grabby hands*

    ReplyDelete
  11. This is awesome! I really am wondering about that disease and how she handles it! And falling for a drummer - hot stuff! Great voice! Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I remember seeing this earlier, nice work on the edits. Good luck with your writing :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Awww...I love poor Hailey! Loving the changes and the concept, but you already know that. ; ) Good luck, V!

    ReplyDelete
  14. So awesome - I would totally read more. The query is fantastic and I love the first page! Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  15. It's THUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMP!

    This is another MS I've been stalking - er...watching carefully for impending success. :)

    Really, it sounds amazing - heartbreaking and sweet. So much luck!!!

    ReplyDelete
  16. This sounds really great, what a compelling query!

    ReplyDelete
  17. This looks so fantastic - the stakes are intense and it sounds edgy and heart-tugging. Love!

    ReplyDelete
  18. I don't read a love of contemporary, but I love this. The voice is just so good! Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I sense many tears falling while reading, but I want to read this! Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I love your query. It's both touching and vibrant, an impressive combination.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I ache for her, and want her to live while she can. Definitely pulled me in.

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I still love this entry - great concept, great opening scene...I'm hooked!

    ReplyDelete
  23. The first two lines of your query made me wish that I had written them! ;-) This is such a great idea - I love it! You left me wanting to read more!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Killer premise! I can see this working.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Really nicely done. Love the title and the whole concept - good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Loved your query. I remember in high school it felt like the end of the world if my parents said no (especially if it was something fun they didn't know about) ;). I sympathize for her and want her to enjoy this night since she's lost so much already. Can't wait to read more! Good luck!

    :) Joanna (WriterRowland)

    ReplyDelete
  27. I loved this the first time I read it! Would LOVE to read more! Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Okay I was trying not to say it, but... HEARTBREAKING. Ugh. This story seems like it would tug my strings, hard. So good. Best luck.

    ReplyDelete
  29. #1 THUMP

    Query:

    This is nice and tight, and you do a good job of working the heart metaphor in throughout the query without overdoing, I think. I really can’t find anything to pick on here—well done!

    First page:

    I like your MC’s description of exactly how mad her parents would get if they knew where she was going. However, I think that you’re dumping too much info overall into your first page. I think that if you left out the aside about the diseased heart and drowning the pain and just let us wonder why she promised not to exert herself, it would be more intriguing and entice the reader to turn the page and find out more.

    Also, the ache in her chest—is that meant to be physical or metaphorical? I think the latter, but given the subject of the book, I think a different metaphor would be a better fit here, because if her heart’s actually in pain and she wants to sneak out anyway, I lose my sympathy for her and just think she’s being irrational.

    ReplyDelete